Ashley Dies at 9yrs. Old
On New Years Eve, Ashley Heffington and her mom were running errands when they were hit by a Toyota 4 Runner. Ashley suffered severe brain damage and was in a coma for over a week. Her mom walked away with minor injuries. Hoping and praying for the best, her parents were given the horrifying news that she wasn’t going to make it. She died on Tuesday, January 12 at 2:30pm. Ashley was 9 years old and a 4th grader in our preteen group. Her death has impacted myself and many others in profound ways.
How do you tell a group of preteens that one of their peers has died? How do help them make sense of it all? Ashley’s death was within days of the devastating earthquake in Haiti, where thousands of people died. Christianity is often portrayed as peace, love and happiness. But there is an ugly side to life. Sometimes parents get divorced, loved ones die and bullies don’t stop being mean. Preteens need a place to wrestle with this stuff. The typical church answers don’t cut it here. Telling a preteen to celebrate that Ashley is in heaven and be happy for her doesn’t help with the grieving process. But crying with them does. Allowing them to ask questions and giving them a forum to discuss their doubts/fears is productive. Only then will the fact that Ashley is with Jesus make sense and not come across as religious jargon.
We tackled the issue last Wednesday night at our weekly preteen meeting. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? Bottom line is that we live in a messed up fallen world. We get to experience God now. Sometimes God does heal, parents stay together and good things happen. But sometimes they don’t. Why? Because we’re not in heaven yet. One day, either when we die or Jesus comes back, everything will be set right. No more death, sorrow or pain. Preteens need to hear that message. They need to also talk about it and have time to process all that goes with it. Maybe you didn’t have an Ashley die in your group, but Haiti is a hot topic right now. Use it as an opportunity to talk about these issues. Also use it as an opportunity to reach out to those in Haiti.
The Ashley experience has also reminded me how precious life is. You really never know when it will be taken from you or loved ones. So, celebrate life every chance you get. When I got news of Ashley’s death, I kissed and hugged my three kids all night. My four year old’s whining didn’t bother me nor did my six year old’s attitude. I was just happy for them to be alive! What would I do without them? I no longer take for granted each day I have with my family and friends. They are numbered. I don’t take for granted the time with preteens and leaders. My time with them is limited. I am learning to live each day loving those around me the best I can. I am learning to celebrate the good times and count them as blessings.
Today was bitter sweet. I first went to Ashley’s memorial service. Next, I came home changing into my swimsuit and packed up the family to go to my son’s birthday party. I both mourned the loss of life and celebrated the gift of life. Isn’t that a picture of reality? Both happiness and sadness coexisting in the same world. I can understand it theologically, but it is hard for me to grasp it’s full meaning. I look forward to one day living in a world free from sadness and pain. And I celebrate that I get to experience a piece of heaven on earth. I get to eat, play and laugh with my family and friends. I get to surf beautiful southern California waves. I get to see God work through me in the lives of preteens and leaders. I get to experience a relationship with God.